P.s. if you haven't heard this in a while, give it a hit

How to repeatedly embarrass yourself, a how to guide

So it's official, I do silly things and generally end up realising that I am a ridiculous person. It seems that anywhere I go I end up doing something hilarious or just plain stupid. If i'm not falling up metro steps or causing a scene in a sex shop I can probably found elsewhere making poor life decisions. It does provide some laughs though, I'll give you that much.

First example - Decided to take Jen to the sex shop 'Passage du desir' in Le Marais, it's interesting as well as a good laugh with friends. So I decide to be clever and show Jenny this vibrator which I think is really cool. It's something stupid like 80 euros and it's called a Mimi but literally it looks like a pebble or one of those soft stones you find on the beach...hence my intrigue as it's not the standard copy-cock. So there we are looking around and I decide to turn on the tester and show Jenny (not tried this before). After a few minutes I realise I can't turn it off, moreover it WON'T turn off. Imagine me stood in the middle of a sex shop with a vibrating pebble, frantically pressing it to try and get it to just bloody turn off. I decided the best thing to do would be to put it back under the perspex box it was under and run off. Unfortunately the shop assistant, who just so happened to be stunningly gorgeous, arrived prematurely and I couldn't get away. He looked at me, then at the vibrating perspex box which was dancing around the table and back to me again. It literally looked like a remote control toy. I am pretty sure I was a shade of violet and for some reason I just forgot all of my french. For the life of me I didn't know how to say 'turn off' so I just kept mumbling something about "uhh c'est casse je pense..." which effectively means its broken. Miraculously he smiled, showed me how you switch it off and then started asking me where I was from etc. I was so embarassed, even when we left he was seriously smirking at me, I knew he wanted to laugh. Won't be going back in there for a while - cringeeeeee.

Second shameful moment - has to go to this weekend's activities. We returned to The Long Hop this weekend to watch the England vs France rugby game, we won luckily a cheeky 16-9 and I was really pleased as well as a bit tipsy. Anyhow...last time we were there was the England vs Wales game where American au pair met a boy and because British au pair had already left as well as the Mexicans, I was effectively stood on my own. It didn't bother me though, the bouncer had told me they were closing soon so I was happy to wait and let American au pair enjoy the last 5 minutes. Whilst I was stood at the bar the barman started giving me free shots and kept joking about "to your 5 minutes" because he realised I had been waiting for a little while. Still I didn't mind as I was now getting free shots. It was only when we went to leave that we realised they were really joking around with us, the bouncer started winding Ilana up and we all left in drunken giggles. I for one was very drunk, was nearly sick on the night bus, not good ha. So anyway that was that and this was nearly a month ago. I had joked about seeing the barman again because he looks like JJ from skins but I didn't really expect to see him let alone have him recognise us. I went to the bar after the game when it had got a bit quieter and he sort of smirked at me a few times when I was ordering but I thought nothing of it...then he was literally around our table for any reason possible - moving the table, getting glasses, changing a lightbulb?!? That's when me and American au pair started to wonder if maybe he did remember us...Not long after he appears at the table with 4 free shots and explains how they were 'for last time' in his French accent. He literally said "you know when you two were here, last time!" and pointed at me and American au pair. I literally dropped my head in my hands and was so embarassed. It was very funny but I just couldn't believe in one night we had made such an impression for him to remember us a month later. Deary me.

I probably did more ridiculous things but I can't remember them right now...I think that's probably enough to give you a few smiles this week.

Oh and just so you can laugh a bit more - the guy I'm seeing had a hello kitty flannel in his bathroom, I was literally like "qu'est que c'est ça?" which is bluntly, WHAT is that? He said it was a gift but it would just be my luck that it was something he randomly liked...the Europeans love Hello Kitty, god knows why! Someone please reduce the amount of times I make a prat of myself?

Les amoureux

I need to write more about Madrid and my sister being here this week and all the things we have done together but before I get into that I have to write this down before a) I forget and b) I lose the facebook chat record so I can't copy and paste the exact words.

So French men are crazy but equally as much I am a crazy for allowing myself to get into situations like this...all because I am too nice to be blunt. I have a new friend, who will remain nameless, who kept asking me out on a date. I explained that although it was a lovely offer I had to refuse. So...he played the friend card and silly old me thought he was being sincere, asking me and my sister to go out with him and some friends and more recently asking me and a friend to go to his appartment for a glass of wine. This is when I began to get a bit suspicious. Tonight he asked me a few questions about my friend who was visiting and I just edged around them only saying we went to university together. This is when he pipes up with:

Boy - tu as déjà fait des trucs avec elle? tu penses qu'elle aura envie de faire un truc à trois?

Me -uhh non merci

Which literally translates to...you have already done things with her? You think that she would have the desire to do things as a three? I love that when I told the friend in question she simply said DO IT, to which I laughed hysterically and deleted boy in question. To say I was surprised is an understatement - funny how people surprise you. I almost thought I was being punked and Ashton Kutcher was going to jump out of my wardrobe.

I don't think I will ever get used to French men. Ever.

Madrid

So...we are actually still in Madrid right now. We have just had brekkie and are wasting some time before we the cleaners decide to free up the bathrooms. Wanted to blog about a few things before I forgot all the laughs we have had here.

First of all, as you all now how Ilana and I can be, we have obviously done and said some ridiculous things. It wouldn't be our vacation if we hadn't. Here is a list to break it down:

1. The bag my host dad gave me is WAY too big for hand luggage. It weighed too much and was definitely over sized with regards to dimensions. Somehow I got away with it because the girl at the counter thought we were hilarious when I almost checked in my bag and not Ilana's. I almost got caught at the gate when the security guard simply said "WOW" about the size of my bag and made me see if it fit in those flight thingy's again. It did so all was good, it actually looks a lot bigger because the expanded bit is broken so I can't reduce the size buhh. Note to self tell host dad his case was a bad idea when I get back. Finally the guy on the plane tried to tell me it wouldn't fit in the overhead but again we somehow blagged it, probably because we were laughing hysterically. To avoid a number of blood vessels bursting tomorrow on my flight home I am just going to check my bag in at the airport, was way too stressful on the way out. Knowing my luck though I will check it in and they will lose it. Fingers crossed all will go okay.

2. I looked up an ancient wall I really want to visit, before we left I knew it was called the Arab Wall and the metro stop was Puerto del Teledo. Unfortunately somewhere between the short journey from our hostel to the metro stop I forgot the name of the wall. I managed to come up with 'Aber' wall. Poor Ilana must have asked five different people where this old wall was/the ancient city and when they all looked at her blankly/like she was a crazy person I realised I must have got something wrong. After walking around for a while we realised we weren't going to find it, one thing to note about Madrid is there are no maps of the city, ANYWHERE. You can find about one hundred metro maps but if you want a city map, I recommend buying one. We have spent a good 30% of the trip being lost. So...back at the hostel it turned out I had got the name wrong and the metro stop the reliable internet told us was also wrong. Sadly we never did find the wall.

3. Valentine's day was a blast though. We met a few people from the hostel - a german called Volker, a guy called Gene who I refused to call Gene as I thought it was a girl's name and nicknamed him 'Denver' - where he was from in the states and a crazy American girl called Myriam who had quit her job and was travelling the world for a year. We ended up in a number of bars drinking tequila and sangria and partied until 7am in some club called El Son where Ilana and I were taught how to salsa by some Spanish dudes. It was actually hilarious and I ended up giving up on the salsa and sweaty Spanish man after a while and ballroom danced with Denver. Haven't laughed that much in a long time and was really cool to meet some other guys from the hostel. Ilana and I also had a romantic boat rode, in a small rowing boat, on a man made lake. Photos to come...we made the most of Valentine's day in Madrid that's for sure.

4. I don't really have time to blog anymore a we are off to the museum of modern art, Reina Sofia today and I need to go and get ready. But there's a little update for you guys to have a laugh at or in some people's case roll your eyes at as you realise I get more ridiculous by the day. Back in Paris tomorrow and Lydia arrives on Friday so full update then.

Adios!

Quick link...!

Viva Espagne. And vacation...finally.

So...I totally can't sleep. I think it must be a mix of excitement about tomorrow and slight panic that I haven't packed, cleaned my room, finished my washing or found out if my mother has transferred my holiday money. Oh well, who cares, all I know is I am freaking excited to get on that plane and get to Madrid for a few days.

On the other hand it could be because I baked tonnes with the boys today and drank too much tea. A mixture of a caffeine and sugar high? Maybe. Made flapjack for the first time and thanks to my sister (who although is in another country, is always somehow still there for me when I need her e.g. for flapjack crisis). Here are my creations...Regular Nigella today.

It also happened to be the most gorgeous day today. Summer's day in the middle of February...Spring really has come early in Paris. I spent most of the day outside with the boys, Tiina and her boys - playing football, duck duck goose, watching J and L develop their green fingers and swinging on the tree-swing. Such a simple day but such a memorable one.

So tomorrow American au pair and I are off to Madrid, we are both super excited but aware we are ridiculous so there could be some funny stories to blog when I return. For now, I will leave you with the song I cannot stop listening to at the moment and a bunch of bisous' my fellow bloggers. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3g4zas0mCMk (see blog previous to this one!)

As my good friend would say - "I'm peacing out."

And just to lower the tone...

The French named a vibrator after me...I am freaking famous and worth 119 euros. Apparently.

Sun, Spain, Smiles. In that order.

So much to write, it's 23h30 here so not sure you will get too much out of me but a quick little update. Don't worry this post will be more upbeat than the last! A lot can change in a short amount of time. What happened last week has happened, it's in the past and in my past. Some of you will know what I'm talking about, admittedly a small amount but for the rest of you - as we would say here "n’inquiète pas." I'm doing fine.

Better than fine actually. Today was such a warm, fresh spring day. I say 'spring' who am I kidding it's still freaking winter but somehow we have sunshine and I'm not going to complain about that, ever. I walked along the road today and just stopped and closed my eyes, feeling the warmth of the sun on my face. I felt it again as I emerged from the metro station and climbed Opera steps, it was so warm it could have been summer. Seriously sometimes I have to pinch myself when I realise I actually live here, in Paris. And could be here for what is potentially...indefinitely.

Whilst we are on the subject of Paris it seems only natural to mention a bit of romance.

ALORS, my mum always taught me to believe in fate. Sometimes it's hard to know that when something happens in your life that it really is, the way it's meant to be. But trust me when I say, everything does happen for a reason. I'm here for a reason, I have met certain friends for a reason (I mean I'm going to Madrid next week, who saw that coming?!) and I will stay here for a reason - if at first it isn't as obvious as you would think. Just believe me when I say, when you meet someone who is somehow intertwined, no matter how bizarrely or unexpectedly with your life, you just know.

As I get further into Eat, pray, love I find myself agreeing with this religious idea that happiness can only be achieved through the means of a spiritual and physical peace. So maybe it would be better to look at FATE as...Feeling. all. things. evenly. Finding a balance so to speak. The only way I can describe it is like...being on a set of weighing scales with only you on one end. When the right person comes along, everything just sort of feels...balanced, safe, secure. So let's hope when it does happen...you just know.

And then you just - smile.